You - Part 3

As I say, at the same time that is strange when I tell that I declare myself, being true, real, and honest, I believe that we have to say what comes to our mind, deep in our heart, I can work out with myself and accept situations. As I said, things are not always the way we want, we need to fight for it... unless we have the certain to stop, not to disturb the other part. So, if it is clear, it is what I am trying to do know, having you in front of me … acting like a stupid, and somehow ashamed of myself.
I was trying (sometimes not making that much of effort) to hide what I feel for you.

Bear in your mind that I am not saying this to scare you. I am just expressing myself. It is better not to be hiding instead of living in the doubt for one more year or whatever.

We human beings are always trying - even not believing anymore - to have someone...
To be with, to spend sometime, to have a laugh, to go to the cinema.

People think always in other people, it seems we are never satisfied.
I do not want to try to make anybody forget the past, or the loves, what you had lived is unique, is yours, what I lived is unique.
Will a new love exist.. Does love exist...?
I wish I could say yes.
I wish I could say this more times...
I still wish to find.
I do hope you cure yourself.
I do hope you open yourself.
I do hope (because I do not know) you believe in having another love some day, knowing that another life with someone is possible.
We are mature. To share feelings and moments (good or bads), they are still good to be shared...
The whole context of life is exciting.
I still believe in a flame. Even thinking this flame is still distant from happening...
I do not need to beg any love to anybody. I want to be loved and love. Making the thing simple, but intense, mature, with no jealousy but with respect.
I am always afraid to talk to you, I never know what to say, I never have clues from where to start.

I am not afraid of hurting myself. I just want the opportunity to be loved, I would try everything again. I know somehow, I have learnt how not to make the same mistake.
I am not afraid of hurting myself, but I still have and want to take the risk and try. I am still risking myself.
I want someone, that makes me breathless, that kisses my neck and make me fell like in the sky. Someone that sleep in my laps and make me spend hours looking at him sleeping.

I just think how is funny what I have learnt with life. Besides the mystery, life becomes easier and less confusing to deal with, because we have lived some situations, we know how not to make a big deal for everything, as if the world is ending... and it is not.

You - Part 2

Sometimes I think about giving up...
life in that small city, life in here, life in everywhere, but if you understand what is in my mind, you will see that I appreciate life... I never wanted to kill myself, life is so nice, but I am trying to find meanings for it all the time and sometimes it seems that I will never reach the meanings...

Or maybe I just set some unreachable targets to myself…

I want someone.
I still believe that I will find someone who I can share.
Share feelings, share moments, share trips, share silly moments with silly sentences, share a whispering in the ears, share some tenderness in the whole body, share some massages, share pleasure and passion, share laughs, sadness, share the missing, the sickness, the madness, the really crazy moments when you allow yourself to be crazy and stop to live a stupid life, meaningless.
Share a place in the balcony, just to watch the moon in the sky, the silence.

Someone to touch my face, to look into my eyes and say nothing. To read my silence.
Someone that when I touch my lips I will remember the kiss, the smell, the touch.
Someone to know where my thoughts are. Someone, to somehow, protect me.
Someone to hold my hand, to say I love you, and say that is with me and wants at least to be with me.
Someone that enjoys my company.
Someone that likes to sleep cuddling, to give kisses in the rain, to travel to places that we do not know...

I do not need much. I respect when you say that you are not opened for relationships.
I am not asking this to you, I am just expressing and showing my feelings. I sometimes do not understand but I do understand that some people are not opened to share the feelings that hurt, even to just talk about them.

I am not asking for someone perfect that has no mistakes, not a superman, not a person with no past.
We all have our pasts…
I do not want to be with a person that does not give a shit to me, that is not in the same vibe.

You are in my dreams, usually in my sexual dreams, you are at the time I have my bath, and you are in my thoughts when I am masturbating myself.
I desire you, your flesh, I desire your thoughts, I desire your touch, and I desire your mouth, your eyes, your deepness, your pretended shyness, your silence.

I desire you, but not only in what I have just mentioned; it is just a mix of everything.
I do not know what you think about me… stupid? Idiot of doing that? Maybe I just did not want or did not see at all, because I asked you once, twice, three times before we go out.

I want to have you, to touch you. I am not crazy. I do not know if you can understand what I am trying to say.
Sometimes I am afraid of you, afraid of express myself because you can take me wrong, thinking I am insane. I am just afraid of games, I do not want to play with anybody; I don t want to waste my time.
At the same time that I declare myself, telling that I would do anything for a relationship.

I do love myself, I learnt how to and try to hurt myself not that much anymore and for that I do not need to hurt others either. As I told you, I am not here to play with feelings.
For me it is as relief to write everything to you. I would prefer to tell this to you, in your eyes, I am just afraid of you. I try to show myself strong... I am, but sometimes I travel in my own world, trying to get deep in your thoughts.
You told me I was patronizing… and this made me sad… the meaning…. It was just a shield, not to be hurt.

You - Part 1

I might be stupid doing this…
I am about to tell you this for a long time.
When I ask people that do not know the situation… they tell me, do not do that, you do not need to expose yourself and harm yourself as well, because you are showing your feelings…
Anyway, I am taking the risk now and want to see where this is gonna take me, no matter the answer.
People tell me… ask guys that you like just for fun, a date only for fun… I just do not want this…maybe not now…
It is strange, because when you show your feelings to some guys, they just step back, and I am not surprised if you do that; some people just do not want or are not ready. We all have different timings.

The contact of the flesh was strange. Distant. Distance it is what I do not want for my life, even knowing that I am facing this for such a long time.
We suffer, but we know that other people, for other reasons, suffer more than us... I will not be attached to those people... I don t need that and I do not want that.

I want to be happy, I want happiness. For me, what I have been facing is happiness with my internal disagreement. Few moments of happiness. It is part of life, but should we accept that? All the time? Or sometimes we should avoid getting used with that.

Everything that is written here does not mean any expectation of approval, an yes answer, and really far away from my thoughts, to scare you.
I might be doing wrong, but I am just expressing myself, things that I think, that any human being is allowed to think.
I don t know if it is better to tell you, or just to shut up.

I am still kind of hurt due to my past, but I believe I have worked this out a lot, that I feel it just really less.
I don’t want to play more games, I do not want to open myself for unpleasant feelings, but, if they happen, I will have to face it.

I am tired of being alone and make sex for the simple act of making it. You might be in this vibe and I do not blame you. I just fell sorry for the situation.
I know, but I would prefer not to know that life sometimes make us fell and do silly things, acting with our emotions as what I am doing now.
Feelings..... What are feelings...?
Can we describe that....?
Do they exist....? I don’t know, but I want it still to exist...
I am still a bit discredited of true feelings from people to people… nowadays, 21 st century, everything is easy… you see someone today and tomorrow .. that s it. And I am not saying that because I do not couple with that. It s just reflects in your society, you make part of this environment.

Qualquer

Sinto a falta do brilho nos olhos. Da chama do amor queimando no peito e no meu corpo. Agora que vcoê se foi, tudo é em vão. Encontro-me sozinha, sentanda no banco de uma estação qualquer do metrô e ouço aquela música melódica, mas que nem presto muita atenção à letra.

Me iludo. Ao pensar que a qualquer instante você estará me esperando.

Hoje. Você se foi. Hoje só é lembrança. Não existe mais.

Entrego me aos desejos apenas da carne. Me satisfaço. Do insuficiente. Do incesante.
Rendo-me aos prazeres do devaneio. Mesquinhos e vazios. Me (in)satisfaço com pouca coisa.

Bebo um gole do café - frio - que amarga a minha boca.
Você toca meu seio, de mão cheia, que até dói. Me morde. Me chupa. Inteira. Eu abro os olhos.

O hoje é só lembrança.

Nostalgia

Estou em São Paulo. Novamente.
Depois de quase um ano e meio.
Vejo o prédio Banespinha. Me lembro de você. Não tem como eu me esquescer. Nunca.
Percebo que a nostalgia por esta cidade continua e que o amor que ainda queima no meu peito não se apagou.
Sei que não vou te ver o tanto que eu gostaria, mas aquela frase clichê de que tudo que é bom dura pouco, é mais do que verdadeira.
Chego em São Paulo e penso em voltar.
Não sei por quanto tempo. Seis meses, seis anos. Seis minutos.
Sigo em direção ao interior.
Cidade em que só meu pauto pela presença dos poucos e verdadeiros amigos e minha amada família.
O sentimeno em não pertencer mais a esta terra é constante, mas não mais angustiante. Não pertenço. Não me encaixo. Desabafo.
Estou a procura da promessa não cumprida. Dos problemas ainda não, ou então, mal resolvidos.
Sinto um embrulho no estômago. Mas acho que é o saculejo do ônibus.
Saímos de São Paulo. Entramos na estrada.
Saio do meu chão repleto de nostalgia, ainda sem enteder porque este sentimento existe.